


too shy to say but i hope you stay

by brokenlikeastitch



Series: The Epilepsy Trilogy [3]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Depression related to medication, Domestic Fluff, Epilepsy, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Seizures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 23:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17375588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenlikeastitch/pseuds/brokenlikeastitch
Summary: jonny always has his back, even when things get bad (alternatively: jonny loves patrick and always takes care of him)





	too shy to say but i hope you stay

**Author's Note:**

> okay so it took me forever to finish this, but i finally did it. lost motivation is a bitch ladies and gents. also all mistakes are my own
> 
> by the way, there is a description of a depressive episode related to multiple seizures and a side effect of medication, so please read with caution if that's triggering to you, otherwise please enjoy the final installment
> 
> (title from come out and play by billie eilish)

Jonny started leaving a notepad for grocery lists on the counter next to the fridge. The day after Patrick started taking medicine, they sat down in the kitchen and started cleaning everything out. Doctor Woods hadn’t made any dietary limitations for him, but Jonny found a website that had some food suggestions that he wanted to try.

Patrick pulled the garbage can out from its spot in the laundry room and dragged it to the front of the fridge where Jonny had two chairs angled in front of the open doors. He dropped into the empty chair and Jonny held the list of food to avoid up to show him.

“Okay, we’ll start with the fridge and move into the pantry.”

“Jonny, I don’t get why we’re doing this.”

Jonny ignored him and started pulling out takeout leftovers and tossed them into the trash. Patrick reluctantly joined him, scraping out unacceptable week-old leftovers.

“Want me to wash the containers out?” Patrick asked, standing up with a stack.

“Yeah, go for it, I can handle the fridge.”

Patrick filled the sink up and began scrubbing lackadaisically, humming under his breath. Jonny finished at the fridge and touched his elbow startling him out of his thoughts.

“Hey, I’m going to move into the pantry. Here’s some more containers,” he finished, setting them on the counter next to the sink.

Patrick watched as he moved into the pantry, dragging the garbage can after him. By the time he finished the dishes, Jonny was pretty much satisfied with what he had cleared out. Since he had moved in, the amount of junk snacks in his pantry had decreased drastically, but there were still a few hidden in the back for when Jonny wasn’t home.

He stared at Patrick disapprovingly while dropping them into the trash. Patrick rolled his eyes, “This is a big waste of food, Jonathan.”

“The leftovers are almost spoiled anyway and the snacks are pretty much gone which is surprising since I’ve never seen them before.”

“We all have secrets.”

Jonny snorted and dragged the pad across the counter toward himself, “Go take the trash out and I’ll work up a list.”

“Why can’t I work up the list?”

“Do you really want to?”

“No.”

“Go take out the trash,” Jonny repeated, giving him an exasperated but fond look.

Patrick lazily saluted and left the kitchen with the full bag hanging over his shoulder. The hallway was colder than the inside of his apartment and Patrick shivered, moving a little faster toward the trash chute at the end of the hall.

Jonny was leaned against the counter, squinting at the notepad with the pen in his mouth when Patrick got back. He nudged Jonny out of the way so he could look at the list so far, and groaned.

“Patrick, branch out a little and try new things.”

“We’re going to have to go to Whole Foods for some of this shit, Jonny. I hate Whole Foods.”

“Suck it up and put some shoes on, I think I’ve got everything we need right now.”

Patrick rolled his eyes but did as Jonny told him. They walked to the car in silence and Jonny cranked the heat up despite running warm before Patrick could start bitching about being cold. Patrick noticed over the weeks that Jonny had changed some of his old habits and ignored some of his own preferences to fit more into Patrick’s comfort level. When he mentioned it to his mom, she just laughed but didn’t directly respond.

Jonny had a strict driver picks the music policy, so Patrick was stuck with some probably Canadian music he’d never heard before, but he’d rather listen to Jonny’s music than make the drive through traffic to Whole Foods.

He finally broke the silence to ask again, “Jonny, why are you pushing this new food agenda?”

Jonny hesitated for a few seconds, “I know that the doctor didn’t say anything, but I want to try to keep your energy levels steady and help keep a regular sleep schedule by balancing your diet. Keeping those things under control is supposed to be helpful in reducing your risk of seizures. I know you’re on medicine now, but I still thought it would be interesting to try. If you really don’t want to, we don’t have to.”

“Wait, we?”

“You seriously didn’t think I’d make you do this alone right?”

“I mean you aren’t the one with epilepsy.”

“I’m not hanging you out to dry, Pat.”

Patrick hummed under his breath and smiled widely at Jonny, “Thanks man.”

Jonny rolled his eyes and reached out to squeeze Patrick’s hand before pulling into the Whole Foods parking lot. He grabbed a shopping cart before Patrick could, and Patrick had to struggle to keep up as Jonny power walked to the entrance to get out of the cold.

“This is domestic as fuck,” Patrick told him, wincing under the glare of a mother standing nearby with a little kid.

“Patrick you’re setting a bad example for Chicago’s youth.”

“I’m sure he’ll hear it eventually anyway.”

Jonny gave him a disapproving look before shaking his head, “Not everyone has a vocabulary as dirty as yours.”

“Not to be an instigator here, but you’re the one out of the two of us that’s cursed on television.”

Jonny scowled but chose not to respond as he led them through the store to the produce section. Patrick was uninterested in knowing how to tell if veggies were ripe, so he let Jonny handle everything. Hell if Jonny was going to live with him anyway, Patrick would happily let him do all the grocery shopping.

“Patrick, are you even paying attention to what I’m telling you? What’s going to happen when you have to pick this up by yourself?”

“Well I figured you’d do all the shopping, pick up some slack and all since I have to clean up after you and your dirty habits, but if not then I guess we’ll just go with my best guess.”

Jonny somehow managed to look slightly guilty about the cleaning comment and exasperated about the food comment at the same time, and Patrick was sort of impressed. He rolled his eyes and lightly punched Jonny in the shoulder, “I’m kidding dude, you know I love all your gross habits.”

That time it was Jonny’s turn to roll his eyes and he turned back to holding up avocados without further comment. Although Patrick was unconcerned about actually learning how to pick ripe or almost ripe vegetables, he was interested in watching Jonny. His focus face was both amusing and somehow attractive, though maybe that just had to do with the monster crush Patrick was nursing.

It felt like forever before they moved on to the fruits, and by the time they did, Patrick was fighting hard to hold in his impatient, dramatic sighs. Jonny was putting stuff in the cart he’d never heard of before, or if he had, he had no clue what to do with it. Hopefully Jonny planned to do all the cooking too.

“Dude,” Patrick started, holding up a vegetable he’d never seen before, “what the fuck is this?”

Jonny glanced up and gave him an unimpressed look, par for the course at this point, “It’s kai-lan, good for salads and a solid broccoli substitute, I know you don’t like broccoli.”

Patrick was momentarily stunned and too touched to respond immediately. It felt like there was a block in his throat for a few seconds, and Jonny got a victorious look on his face, “Cat got your tongue?”

“Shut up, I’m having a moment. That’s really nice Jon, thanks.”

“I know you’re not thrilled about this, so I’m trying to make it as easy as possible.”

“I hope you plan on cooking because I have no clue what to do with most of this stuff.”

 “Yeah Pat, I’ve got you.”

And he really did. The constant support, the moving in, the calming presence at doctor’s appointments, whatever it was, he knew Jonny would have his back, just like on the ice.

“You’re my favorite person, you know?”

“Wow,” Jonny smiled and his eyes were suspiciously shiny, “that was soft as fuck.”

“Watch your language,” Patrick responded before nudging Jonny away to push the cart out of the produce area. “Time for us to go,” he told Jonny, hoping the other man would follow without protest, and it worked in his favor, Jonny didn’t look thrilled about it, but he still had a lot of other items on his list.

When they finally finished and all the new food was loaded into the trunk, Patrick breathed a sigh of relief. Jonny backed out of the spot and glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, “You hate grocery shopping that much?”

“I really do.”

“I am never taking you again.”

“Oh thank god, that’s a huge relief.”

*****

Patrick was just a little bit skeptical about Jonny’s cooking skills. He knew Jonny could cook but he wasn’t sure Jonny would be a good enough cook to make Patrick eat the weird shit they spent a lot of money on that afternoon.

After the first bite, it became abundantly clear that he could in fact make the weird shit edible. Patrick had watched him cook silently with quiet classical music playing through his Bluetooth speaker. It was hypnotizing to watch and actually pretty relaxing. He was almost tired by the time Jonny announced that he was finished with dinner.

Patrick ate it all quickly and even went for seconds while Jonny watched proudly. He ate a little slower the second time around, and when Jonny finally finished his first plateful, Patrick was nearly done with his second. Jonny took a sip of water and smiled at him, “I’m glad you like it.”

“Like it,” Patrick started after setting his fork down, “I love this. Holy shit I need to lock you down pronto so you can cook for me forever.”

He didn’t realize what he’d actually said until Jonny had frozen, napkin halfway to his mouth. Patrick felt himself immediately turn bright red, and he wanted to bury himself. It’s not that he thought his feelings were a secret, he knew how obvious he’d been, but he felt there was a reason Jonny hadn’t said anything about it.

Jonny cleared his throat and smiled shyly, “I mean I wouldn’t be too opposed.”

“Wait what?” That time it was Patrick frozen. “I thought there was some sort of moratorium on relationship talk in this household.”

“Not one that I knew of,” Jonny trailed off looking confused, “I didn’t even know you were interested in me that way.”

“Okay, no, I made it so painfully obvious that either you’re an idiot or blind or both.”

“Well it’s not like the way you treated me was exclusive to me, you’re incredibly tactile and not to mention just as close to some of the other guys on the team.”

“Yeah but I don’t look at them like they hung the moon, at least I think that’s how Sharpy put it.”

“Okay but since when have you been into guys?”

Patrick was in love with a moron, “When have you ever seen me date a girl?”

“Amanda,” Jonny pointed out and Patrick could see where the mistake had been made.

“She was only a friend, Jon, she’s dating one of my buddies back home, and dude I let you sleep in my bed.”

“Well you never said, and that’s not necessarily a gay thing, it could be a bro thing,” Jonny defended. He’d made no secret his sexuality, and the team picked up very quickly that Jonny liked boys and even occasionally girls. Eventually he sat everyone down and told them he was bi, and if it were going to be a problem, he’d stay after practice to work it out. Thankfully it hadn’t been a problem. Personally, Patrick hadn’t ever seen reason to explicitly state his sexual preferences like Jonny did, but to each his own.

“You never asked, and seriously? A bro thing?” Patrick countered and Jonny had to at least concede that that, at least, was true.

“I figured it wasn’t my business, and if you wanted me to know, you’d tell me.” Apparently, they weren’t going to delve further into the bro thing.

“For someone so pushy, you remarkably managed not to pry into my personal life.”

“I’m your captain, sure, but that’s only on the ice, off the ice I do what I can to be your friend.”

“Just a friend?” Patrick asked, he could hear the hopeful chord in his voice and prayed Jonny wouldn’t hurt him in the way that only Jonny could.

“Maybe more than a friend,” Jonny responded with a small smile.

“I’d like that,” Patrick managed to get out, and miraculously his voice didn’t crack with all the emotion in it.

This time Jonny full on beamed at him, “I would too.”

And nothing really changed after that conversation. Jonny was slightly more generous with his touches after dinner. Wrapping his arm around Patrick a little tighter than usual on the couch, and laying a little bit closer to him in the bed that night.

Patrick wasn’t quite sure how to bridge the gap and assumed that Jonny was still trying to come to terms with the whole ‘woah Patrick isn’t fully straight’ thing. And that was fine, no pressure, Patrick could give him time. He wasn’t sure how much time his sanity would be able to take, but he’d do it.

*****

The team was on a homestand for a while and after a week of nightly dinners made by Jonny there had still been no further progress in the more-than-friends department which was honestly the worst in Patrick’s humble opinion. He decided it would be up to him to man up and say something about it.

“Are you ever going to date me?” He finally asked one night while they were doing the dishes.

Jonny promptly dropped the dish he was finished washing back into the soapy water and looked up at Patrick, eyes wide. He bit his bottom lip for a second and straightened his back completely, “I was trying to do it right.”

“Oh my god, the cooking every night. You’ve been trying to wine and dine me.”

“Well not wine, you can’t drink anymore.”

Patrick rolled his eyes, “Semantics. You’ve been trying to woo me.”

Jonny’s face flushed to Patrick’s delight and he dropped his eyes to avoid Patrick’s. He mumbled something under his breath and Patrick nudged him with his shoulder, “Speak up bud.”

“Trying to, but now you’re mocking me and I’m not sure I want to continue.”

For the second time in less than five minutes, Patrick rolled his eyes, “Oh hush, Jonathan. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I thought you knew.”

“If you don’t use your words like a big boy, I’ll never know what you’re thinking. Contrary to popular belief, I can’t read minds.”

“I’m not sure who you’re citing in the mind reading claim, but-“ And before Jonny could finish, Patrick grabbed the front of his t-shirt and tugged him down to kiss him.

It took Jonny a couple seconds to respond, but eventually his brain caught up and he made a small noise in the back of his throat before starting to kiss back. Eventually Patrick pulled back for air and smiled up at Jonny before taking a small step back.

Jonny glanced down at his shirt which had a massive wet spot on the front and grimaced, “You couldn’t have wiped your hand off first.”

“Oh my god, just take the romantic gesture and be happy one of us can deal with feelings like an adult.”

“I’m not sure cutting someone off mid-sentence is exactly handling a situation like an adult, but I can see where-“

Unabashedly, Patrick cut him off again with another kiss.

After that things progressed much quicker in the relationship department to Patrick’s relief. Simultaneously, to Patrick’s disbelief, the seizures started again with a vengeance. That time when they started back up, Patrick didn’t know because they started happening exclusively in his sleep.

One night, Jonny woke him up with a funny look on his face, or what Patrick assumed was a funny look on his face because the splitting pain in his head made his vision blurry. He opened his mouth, brain fuzzy, and shut it again when he couldn’t quite pull a coherent thought together. Patrick had faint memories of a very surreal dream involving his sister and a purple hairbrush, but nothing else was coming to mind.

“Why don’t you go back to sleep and we can deal with this in the morning.”

Patrick nodded and fell back asleep immediately.

The next morning, or at least he assumed it was morning because that time there was light shining through the cracks in the blinds, Patrick woke up again to Jonny talking on the phone fully dressed with a notepad on his lap.

“Thanks doc, I’ll let you know if it happens again.”

“What happened?” Patrick croaked, throat dry. He shifted in attempt to sit up until the nausea rolled through his stomach and he decided it was best if he probably stayed put for a bit.

Jonny slowly moved to lay back down on his side next to Patrick and ran his fingers through his hair a few times. He smiled, “You had another seizure, bud.”

“This fucking sucks,” Patrick groaned and pushed his head further into Jonny’s hand similar to a cat wanting to be pet.

“I know, but I called Q and we both are excused from skate this morning. Then I called your doctor and she said to make an appointment if it happens again.”

“First off, it’s optional skate anyway, asshole. Second, we’re not going to the doctor today?”

“I guess it isn’t necessary yet. She asked if you skipped a dose and I told her I didn’t think so but apparently since you haven’t been on it long, we’re likely to forget.”

That was bullshit and they both knew it, Jonny was incredibly anal about remembering doses, there were checklists involved. But a few nights later, the forgotten dose theory was negated because Patrick had another one.

Jonny had taken to rubbing his temples and sliding in behind him on the bed, sitting up so Patrick could lean back against his chest. Sitting upright helped alleviate the nausea, and Patrick found the heat emanating off of Jonny incredibly soothing.

The drive to the neurologist’s office was short, and before he knew it, Jonny had an arm slung around his waist, half leading him, half dragging him into the building. The waiting room was pretty much empty so they didn’t have to wait long.

“So, you’ve had two seizures?” The doctor asked, not wasting any time when she entered the room.

“That I know of,” Patrick told her, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“And you haven’t missed any doses?”

“I keep a checklist,” Jonny inserted, “and I’m pretty meticulous about making sure it gets done.”

The neurologist looked impressed, and nodded, “Okay, then I think we should talk about switching medicines. We started you on the most common one, Keppra, but there are more. So, I think we need to talk side effects and what exactly switching meds entails.”

“Is it not just stop taking one and starting another?” Patrick asked, slightly confused.

“Unfortunately, no, you have to wean off of one and ease into the other simultaneously. It might cause more seizures in the meantime while your body adjusts, but we’re going to try to get the right medicine on the second try so you won’t have to go through too much.”

Patrick left feeling pretty overwhelmed, but Jonny looked determined, so Patrick wasn’t too worried. He knew Jonny wouldn’t let anything happen to him if he could help it. They picked up the new medicine, a daily medicine organizer and a pill cutter at the pharmacy and Jonny spent the afternoon setting everything up for their next road trip.

It took about two weeks on the new medicine for everything to go to hell. Patrick quickly discovered one of the side effects. At first, he thought it was just because of the team’s losing streak, but even when they won, the down feeling never went away.

Theoretically this should’ve been close to the happiest he’s ever been in his life. His feelings weren’t unrequited, and Jonny treated him wonderfully. They weren’t that far out of a playoff spot despite coaching overturn and some defensive struggles. Also, the seizures had become less frequent, so no reason to be down.

But unfortunately, the feelings wouldn’t go away. The final straw for Jonny was when one morning, Patrick couldn’t even get himself out of bed for skate.

“I’m scheduling another appointment, something’s wrong.”

Patrick couldn’t get the energy or motivation to even nod in agreement.

A few hours later, they found themselves back at the clinic, and the doctor looked far more stoic than the last time. “So, mood changes are a common side effect of the medicine, there’s always the possibility it could be triggered. That said, though it’s common, common here means one out of ten people may feel their mood affected by the drug.”

Patrick definitely didn’t want to do this all over again. He hated feeling this way, Jonny had to physically drag him out of bed and help him get dressed for the appointment.

As if he could sense his hesitance, Jonny grabbed his hand and ran his thumb over Patrick’s knuckles soothingly. He was staring at the doctor and when she stopped talking, he finally spoke up, “Are there medicines where it’s uncommon for someone’s mood to be affected?”

“There are other drugs, but I’d also like to add that seizures themselves can also affect his mood. I’d like to suggest keeping a journal, that way we can tell exactly when his mood starts to change and what seems to be the real effect.”

“So, should we be looking into switching medicines then?”

The doctor took a deep breath and addressed Patrick directly for the first time, “Patrick,” she started gently, “have you had thoughts of suicide since starting this new medicine?”

He tried to think back, his thoughts had just been kind of a dark hole, and he hadn’t really been able to sleep lately, so things were a blur in his mind. Patrick reached up with the hand that Jonny wasn’t holding and rubbed his eyes, “Maybe, I’m not sure, I can’t really remember.”

“Okay,” she responded, writing something down on her clipboard. She looked back at Jonny, “You’ve been keeping track of the seizures like I asked right?”

“Yes,” Jonny responded confidently, pulling the notebook he’d been carrying around out of his pocket.

“The dates, times, and how long they last?” She asked, holding her hand out for the notebook.

He handed it over, “Yeah, it’s all here.”

She flipped through it and they sat in silence while she read. Jonny looked up at Patrick, searching his eyes for Patrick didn’t know what. He wasn’t sure if Jonny found what he was looking for, but whatever he did see prompted Jonny to raise their hands to his lips, and he pressed a gentle kiss on Patrick’s knuckles.

“Another side effect of seizures is memory loss, and if this log is correct, you should be experiencing it. I wouldn’t be too concerned on that front, but I am concerned about the suicidal thoughts and whether or not you’ve had them, as well as the medicine seems to be ineffective in its sole purpose, stopping the seizures. Basically, I think we should try a different medication.”

Patrick felt what he thought was relief, and if Jonny’s hand squeeze was any indication, he felt it too. The doctor wrote out a new prescription and gave them a list of possible side effects and more instructions and a timetable on how to wean off the medication he was on.

Jonny was quiet on the drive back to his condo, and Patrick didn’t really have anything to say. When they got home, Patrick started to walk back to the dark bedroom, but changed his mind at the last second and went to lay down on the couch instead.

Jonny went straight to the kitchen and began to split up to second medicine like he’d done the first time. Patrick felt guilty, he’d put this unnecessary stress on Jonny, and by the time Jonny joined him on the couch, he’d worked himself up about it.

“I’m sorry, Jon.”

Jonny looked at him, a soft look in his eyes and put a hand in Patrick’s hair to scratch his head comfortingly, “What for, bud?”

“For all of this, you didn’t ask for this.”

“For what, the medical complications that are out of your control?”

“Yeah.”

Jonny smiled at him sadly, “I’d much rather be here than you doing this alone, but if it distresses you this bad, count it as me returning the favor of you being there for me during my concussion.”

And yeah, maybe it wasn’t the best way to cope with his feelings of guilt, but it did help and Patrick chose to focus on that positive.

It wasn’t easy transitioning medicines, there were a few more seizures in his sleep, more memory loss, and a few more depressive episodes. Basically, just more shit for Jonny to deal with.

Jonny who had been incredibly patient and incredibly meticulous when it came to making sure everything was written down in his notebook. Jonny who had worked to make sure Patrick regularly got out of the house whether it was to take him to a restaurant for dinner or to a Bears game or even to just skate for fun at a public rink. It helped him get through the switch, and after a month and a half the seizures stopped.

With the new medicine working, Patrick was able to refocus his energy on hockey and getting the Hawks back into the playoffs, even if he had to drag them kicking and screaming. And when they swiped the second wildcard spot right out from under the Ducks, he finally felt like everything had fallen back into place.

Jonny smiled at him from across the ice and Patrick felt himself smiling widely back before he could stop himself. He skated over to Jonny and let himself be pulled into a hug. Jonny leaned down, lips brushing Patrick’s ear, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Jon.”

And with that, nothing could get better. His seizures were back under control, hopefully for the long term, after a frustrating year the Hawks were back in the playoffs, and Jonny loved him back.

Jonny brushed his lips across Patrick’s cheekbone, most likely aiming for casual, but Patrick wasn’t sure if he achieved it. He smiled down at Patrick fondly, “You look happy.”

“I’ve never been happier,” Patrick responded, tightening his arms around Jonny once more before letting go.

“That was soft as fuck.”

“Taze, did you know you’re the worst?”

“But you love me anyway.”

“God knows why.”

Jonny laughed, and Patrick knew that even though the seizures might come back one day and that he might feel down some days, that Jon would always support him and would always love him back.

**Author's Note:**

> hooray for dumb hockey boys finally getting their shit together. also dudes, i realize this may be an unrealistic ending to some and not all epilepsy experiences are like this, but i'm drawing off of my own because that's what I know. sorry for taking so long on this last one, i hope some of you guys who really supported the first two are still around and this lives up to any expectations y'all may have bc you guys were the motivation i had to finish this in the end


End file.
